We've been there before: Your reservation at some BYO whose name you can't pronounce is in half an hour. You've yet to shower. You smell like West Philly. But most importantly, you're booze-less. So you sprint to 41st and Market and find yourself standing in front of a rather daunting wall of Chiantis, Chardonnays and a wide array of other fermented grape juices. Your initial instinct is to grab a box of Franz -- which we whole-heartedly endorse, by the way. We think it's motha-fuckin' bling to roll in with that cardboard box, or even better, ditch the packaging and just bring the bag. Thrifty. It's the new glam. If, however, you've got a penchant for luxury or believe that God didn't intend for wine to come from a box, allow us to offer some bottled alternatives. You may recall that we're egalitarian, plebeian -- and, well, cheap. That in mind, luxury is $10 or less. In other words, some of these vinos are just down-right horseshit. As always, each selection was tasted with tender loving care. A lot. And without that whole spitting thing.

Concha Y Toro - Cabernet Sauvignon/Merlot Blend (apparently this is normal).$4.99 (on sale)

Tart, foul, reminiscent of battery acid. No body. If there's an anorexic of the wine community, this is it.

Beaujolais Village. $8.99

Fruitier, livelier, didn't lead to extreme facial contortions. The D-Student of French wines, but comes in one pimp ass bottle.

Jacobs Creek - Chardonnay. $7.99

Attractive melon and fresh fruit flavors, coupled delicately with toasty oak. Ok, fine, we read that on the bottle. But, this baby did win three bronze medals. For what, we're not sure. But three of them.

Turning Leaf - Pinot Grigio. $8.99

Drunk Nickie: Not half bad

Sober Grant: This tastes like cat piss.

You be the judge.

YellowTail Merlot 7.99

We're not above buying something simply because it looks cool, and this time, our complete and utter shallowness was amply rewarded. And hey, it's imported.

J.Roget 4.99

Who says champagne is for drinking alone? Personally, we like to dribble it all over our naked, glistening bodies. And at $4.99 a pop, it doesn't even have to be a special occasion.


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