The Situation:

You're getting down and dirty at Smokes, sporting beer goggles thicker than Minkus' spectacles, and you decide it's acceptable to make out with Perpetually Sweaty Boy/Girl from your Econ recitation. Mid-makeout, you come to and open your eyes to get a third-party view of the atrocity you are committing. During this creepy display of open-eye hook up, you make eye contact with Really Hot Girl/Guy you flirt with in said Econ recitation.

The Recovery:

Revert to denial. Pretend that shit never happened. If the object of your desire decides to bring it up, again, deny: "No, Silly! That was another slutty angel/beer keg!"

The Situation:

It's happened to the best of us. You're in the cab going home. Family-style appetizer waiter peer pressured you into + personal Magnum = friend bathing taxi in frutti di mare.

The Recovery:

Roll down the windows discreetly, have your friend finish up with head out in the wind, hoping the fresh air will dissipate the stench so cabbie won't notice the mess till you're gone. If the driver does notice or just seems like the testy type, try slipping him a few Lincolns and be super-polite. Compliment his "exotic" taste in music or show an interest in his family. On the other hand, did you just get in? Apologize quickly that there are too many people in your party and leave the scene of the crime.

The Situation:

You drunk dialed him/her. Again. You are sooooooooooooo pathetic.

The Recovery:

If you and him/her have a purely ass-based relationship, then feel no shame. You both know what's up. No need for explanaion. If this is an ex-someone you actually keep in touch with, pretend you had something really funny to tell him. You saw [insert name of person with idiosyncrasy you and hook-up base far too much conversation on due to lack of common interests] doing a keg stand at a party. It was crazy!

The Situation:

You've been soooo healthy, like, all week. You didn't have a single carb and even gave your Gia Pronto seeded roll away to a homeless guy on Wednesday. But then you got like so drunk and kind of high too and totally binged. You started out with some Greek Lady cheese fries, then moved on to Allegro's Bar-Be-Que slice and downed raw cookie dough from Ben & Jerry's out of the carton, made yourself a milkshake at Wawa (real thick) and woke up with Halloween candy wrappers all around you. Gross!

The Recovery:

Mom's favorite cure-all: Some Alka Seltzer, a tall glass of finger-down-the-throat and two Adderall. (Just kidding. Fucking deal with it. This is college. You're supposed to lack balance and overindulge.)


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