I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. I make post–Spring Break resolutions. 

Spring Break has a unique way of throwing all of your habits from the beginning of the semester into perspective. There’s nothing quite like sitting (or drinking) on your ass for a week to make you question all of your decisions that brought you to that point. It’s just the right amount of debauchery or indulgence to make you miss being a real person. Or at least that’s how it goes for me. 

I have never made a New Year’s resolution in my life. I think they’re dumb. I know that I’m not going to do them, and I hate the idea of changing your life around a set marker each year. Change is only effective if you’re so totally ready for it, and the odds that you will be at that mental state every year on Jan. 1 are pretty low. But, by the time Spring Break rolls around, I’m usually there. 

So, I resolve to go to the gym at least three times a week, cut my expensive salad consumption down to one per week, learn how to cook something other than pasta, and to find a fucking job. I’m going to be a real person again, starting by deleting all of my texts from Spring Break (p. 3), reading (understanding) the news (p. 13) and never saying the word “PV” again (p. 5). I encourage you to do so as well. Let’s break some societal norms together. 

P.S. There is a mountain lion named P22 that lives in the LA woods who broke into the LA zoo and killed a Koala. The authorities decided that the murder was chill and I want P22 as my pet.