(Philadelphia, PA)—For College freshman Joe Barnhill, the time is finally here. With Fall Break fast approaching, Barnhill is excited to do what he’s been hinting at since the beginning of New Student Orientation (NSO)—to truly make his friends, classmates, and roommates feel socioeconomically inferior.
“It’s just such an exciting time,” said Barnhill from his Fisher Hassenfeld triple last night. “I’ve been slowly building on my superiority for a while now, mostly through referencing my many high school classmates who also go to Penn, or by posting throwback pictures to my vacation in Turks & Caicos.”
But while those efforts were good places to start—Barnhill commented that his roommate is already sufficiently suspicious of his goodwill and intentions—for him, Fall Break is the true opportunity.
“I mean, think about it. I can name drop where I’m going, that I’m flying on a chartered jet to get there, that I’m paying for three of my best friends to come, AND that I bought a whole new fall wardrobe just for the trip, all in a four-day span. What a rush!” said Barnhill.
He added, “And honestly, it only goes up from here. Thanksgiving vacation bragging, winter break vacation bragging, New Year’s Eve bragging...it’s just…”
At this point, Barnhill was overcome with emotion, needing several minutes to recover. When he could speak again, he added, “I just feel truly blessed to be able to assert my privilege over everyone else so frequently. This truly is the greatest school in the country!”