In an unsurprising email announcement, Penn administrators said they are organizing a University–wide “Campus Denial of the Real Issues” event to discuss “what we can do, individually and collectively, to absolve Penn of any legal or moral responsibility, and to ensure that we never imply that Penn is at fault for these problems.”

The email, which was signed by five of Penn’s top administrators, including President Amy Gutmann and Provost Wendell Pritchett, said this discussion was meant to support members of the Penn community struggling on campus, while also making it thoroughly clear that said struggles had nothing to at all with the underlying culture of Penn.

The message also detailed the outline of the event, which will be held on Dec. 20 in a Steinberg–Dietrich Hall basement janitor’s closet. Programming includes a panel during which administrators will share generic platitudes about struggles they have had in life, followed by a Q&A. Students will not be able to ask their own questions, but instead will get to ask a list of pre–approved questions, to which the administrators will give vague, non–committal answers about how rainy the weather is.

The message emphasized that the discussion will be “a part of our larger ongoing effort to support and care for the Board of Trustees.”

A University official, who declined to be named due to security and professionalism concerns, added, “This is such a great opportunity to lift up the members of our commun—sorry, I mean Board of Trustees—and hold them in the light. It is essential for them to know that no matter what, we will tailor our policies to ensure that none of them ever have to admit that there is anything wrong with this school.”