Lowbrow
An op-ed about op-eds
My friend Stamos and I were jogging through West Philadelphia when we were stopped by four males unaffiliated with the university.
Top ten reasons
10. You don't read this page anyways. 9. It will waste 38 valuable seconds of your life. 8. We wrote it in less than 38 seconds. 7.
Stock up on Clutter
Even among the slew of second hand shops lining South Street, being thrifty is difficult. To cheaply satisfy any and all of your purchasing needs, save on cab fare and look no further than S.
Liar, liar, pants aflame
Easter Bunny Occupation: Laying eggs Hobbies: Rapid reproduction, stealing Jesus' thunder Mortal enemy: Israel Sexual position: Doo-Doo Rocket Celebrity look-alike: Vince Vaughn Favorite movie: Chocolat Can't live without: March Madness Place of birth: Beaches of Normandy Analysis: C'mon, everyone knows bunnies lay golden eggs. Santa Claus Occupation: Breaking and entering Hobbies: Checking things twice, judging children, enslaving Will Ferrell, Twinkies Mortal enemy: Hanukkah Harry Sexual position: G-Spot Jiggy Celebrity look-alike: Burt Bacharach Favorite movie: Amores Perros Can't live without: Carbs Place of birth: The Nile Analysis: I killed a man and still got presents. Tooth Fairy Occupation: Disgruntled dental student Hobbies: Collecting shark teeth and stamps Mortal enemy: The Floss Fairy Sexual position: The Soft Rock Celebrity look-alike: Jude Law Favorite movie: The Birdcage Can't live without: Oral fixation Place of birth: Mount Sinai Hospital Analysis: All little kids are deep sleepers. Leprechaun Occupation: Perpetuating Irish stereotypes Hobbies: Amateur meteorologist, corporate sell-out, bartending at O'Malley's Mortal enemy: Protestants Sexual position: Chicken Soup of the Sack Celebrity look-alike: Colin Farrel Favorite movie: Boondock Saints Can't live without: Skittles Place of birth: Ireland Analysis: The so-called luck of the Irish: potato famines, cirrhosis of the liver, the IRA, Bono. Bigfoot Occupation: Debunking Yeti myths Hobbies: Stomping around, solitaire Mortal enemy: Kodak Sexual position: The Amazing Butterfly Celebrity look-alike: Charlize Theron Favorite movie: The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon Can't live without: Leaves of Grass Place of birth: Millenium Falcon Analysis: It's not safe to not wear shoes anymore, with like used hypos all over the ground and stuff.
Word on the street: I was on mtvU
After sloshing down a few too many cosmos, my friend Grant likes to make serious life-altering decisions on the Internet.
From the Editor
When I was little my mom overheard two other mothers talking in the elevator of my elementary school.
Word on the street: Heavy Petting
Woof. Chirp. Meow. These are common sounds house pets make. Or maybe we should ask the real experts: college kid know-it-all's who actually have pets at school.
From the editor
There is a battle going on right now at Penn, and I am losing. Still, I haven't given up the fight. In fact, I think that once we soldiers return from the Diaspora, we may be able to live in symbiosis again.
Geo what?
Yeah, so I don't really like to talk about it because it's not that big of a deal to me or anything, but, yes, it's true: I won the Geography Bee in fifth grade.
Word on the street: Soccer is bad for you
Sometimes you get so out of shape that you forget you're out of shape. Initially, you don't exercise for a couple weeks and think, "I'm getting really fat, perhaps I should go to the gym." If it goes on for a month or two, though, the lack of exercise institutionalizes itself.
From the Editor: What does it mean to be "very Penn"?
It's a state that some are and some aren't. Penn's big, sure, and it's sort of diverse in its own quaint way.
From the editor
The first time Trina and I talked, things seemed bad. Okay, they didn't seem bad. They seemed awful.
It's that Special Time of Year
I don't blame us. We're products of an MTV phenomenon; a generation enthralled by glossy magazine covers and the cheapest road to fame.
Six degrees of President's day
President George W. Bush spent most of the '80s watching Alf, Who eats cats like MC Hammer, Who is (morally) bankrupt like America, Who is one nation, under God, Who is the creator of all things (including parachute pants, puppies, paganism, alliteration and George Washington). Yona's favorite song is "Mambo #5" by Lou Bega, Who has never met Derek Jeter, Who has the same first name as Derek Zoolander, Who is a assassin/male model like John Wilkes Boothe, Who (apparently) was roommates with Abraham Lincoln in college.
Shoutouts Spring 2005
Editor's Note: Because of sheer volume, Street could not publish every shoutout received. However, let it be known that by popular demand, Wharton douchebags, blonde nursing students and people with abrasive voices should stop talking in classes.
A real-life Valentine's story
Dear First Love: I met you at a LAN war in the University's student union building. I was 17. You were 18. I didn't even know what a LAN war was, but I saw men in trench coats loading computers and AV equipment into a room, and thought, "Wow!
Still Got your V-Card on V-Day?
Valentine's Day is a lot like New Year's, only New Year's allows enough leeway for you to convince yourself you made some progress.
Word on the street: Ted turner, i've got your number
I am a product of several formative TV sitcoms and am subsequently a victim of low self-esteem. I'm not alone in hoping my grown-up life would be a hybrid of witticisms, caustic detachment and the kind of eloquent self-introspection that not only generates successful romances, but also elicits hero-worship from my girl friends.
From the editor
There's something about that first warm day of spring at Penn. I don't know if it's because, as my friend Jessy claims, Philadelphia's spring is a weird, humid warmth that's unlike the Manhattan spring I'm used to, or if it's just because even the short winter at school feels oppressive.
