4:30 a.m. – Wake up and vomit. Why I’m vomiting changes week to week—I just hate being tied down to one reason!—but usually it’s from a combination of the excessive lead in the Franzia I drank last night and the soul–crushing guilt I still feel to this day after killing that one fellow contestant that one time. Nevermind.
8:00 a.m. – Producer wakes me up in the middle of my beauty sleep to remind me of the day’s activities. I throw a fit in my room until the producer backs out slowly, scared for his safety (rightly so).
11:00 a.m. – Get up for realsies this time! I head downstairs for some forced conversation with my fellow enemies—I mean contestants—and a hearty breakfast of crushed Xanax and flax seeds. Sometimes I add in an ice cube if I’m feeling indulgent!
11:01 a.m. – Get forcibly removed from the kitchen because I tried to stab Kiera with a skewer after what she said about me in the last episode. Honestly she was being a fucking STRIPPER PROSTITUTE and TOTALLY LYING.
11:07 a.m. – Second handful of Xanax of the day because this day has been like so stressful and sometimes you need to treat yourself, okay? Only God can judge me.
11:15 a.m. – Practice my “Is this whore serious????” face in the mirror as a distraction. I have it down to, like, a science.
11:20 a.m. – Implement this face for the cameras as many times as possible. Watch out, Kiera.
3:36 p.m. – Whoa, where am I?? Looks like I passed out in the Dream Suite...it happens sometimes as a result of my tendency to overdose. Oh well! Nothing a little detox tea and some Pinot Greege can’t fix!
4:00 p.m. – Walk downstairs and call Margie a bitch. Not so much because she’s a bitch, but I just like to make a habit of calling at least one person per day a bitch. Bitch.
5:00 p.m. – Daily meeting with producers to decide on my clothes, hair, words, personality and variety of souls for today’s evening shoot. We went with a red dress, loose curls, drunk incoherent babble, upsettingly naive and soulless for today! Should be fun :)
6:30 p.m. – Head to tonight’s activity with my fellow girls. On the bus ride over, we take turns discussing our hopes, dreams and favorite shapes to wax our pubes into.
7:00 p.m. – Activity! We spend five glorious hours proving how ~real~ we are on the basketball court by playing highly structured games that don’t have anything to do with basketball. It’s mostly knee pads and stripper referee outfits. My butt looks fucking fab. The judges are impressed! I get a 10 and a gold star!
7:15 p.m. – It turns out the 10 is out of 100 and the gold star is for effort. Fuck. I’m mad as hell, and even though I totally keep my cool for the most part, the producers overreact and shoot me with a tranquilizer dart.
8:45 p.m. – Wake up for the third time today—man, what a day! Things get so crazy here, but, like, it’s honestly such a good time. Once the tranquilizer is out of my system, I can totally relax in the hot tub while brainstorming ideas for some apps I think would be really successful. My latest one is a thing that analyzes your pubes to find out which shape would be most flattering.
9:00 p.m. – Record a confessional with my girl Cassandra. She is the ONLY one here who will stand by me. Love that bitch. At this point we’re on our fifth glass of wine, so we’re mostly just shitting on other girls. Still, we save plenty of time at the end for hints about how we’re gonna make Kiera’s life hell in the next episode.
9:30 p.m.–12:30 a.m. – Vague blur of wine, bad decisions, boom mikes used as dildos and me ripping out weaves. Never sure what goes on during this time but people tell me it makes good TV!!
1:00 a.m. – I spend 20 minutes taking off my daily face of makeup, followed by self–injections of Juvederm (gotta stay young ladies, am I right?) and 15 minutes of sobbing in the mirror. Then I head for bed! Can’t wait to start this all again tomorrow.