Spreading Your Seed
Freshman Elections. After an intensely pitched contest, Matt Klapper has claimed victory as Class President. Experts attribute his success to his brilliant campaign slogan: "Klap On or Klap Off, the Klapper will Klap Klap Klap all the way to the Klap." Freshmen ate it up with spoons. Fucking freshmen.
National Coming Out Day. The day that encourages closeted students across the country to reveal their true selves has come under criticism for failing to embrace Wharton Students who are not open about their desires to fuck the Earth.
Attacking Bioterrorism. Government has appropriated $1.5 billion at Bush's request to provide drugs to fight the spread of Anthrax and other weapons of bioterror. $1.2 billion for antibiotics, $.2 billion for city hospitals, and $.1 billion for Jenna's Beano.
Emeril Lagasse. The charismatic New Orleans chef's new sitcom is destined for the axe. To Street's shock and dismay, a fat man and a stick of butter have once again failed to send ripples through the collective American psyche.
Spilling Your Seed
Republicans. House GOPers have sworn to kill a bill that would put airport security in federal hands, insisting that the private sector is up to the task. In other related news, Logan Airport baggage screener/janitor Jim Hankshaw was seen attempting to wand-frisk a passenger with an old plunger.
Anthrax Scare. In response to a flurry of Anthrax-laced letters, businesses are stepping up security in their mail rooms and forwarding all plainly wrapped, unmarked packages to the proper authority. Meanwhile, Rosie O'Donnell left the office in a huff after her third catalogue dildo in as many days ended up in the hands of the Feds.
Rush Limbaugh. The famed radio host has reported that he is going deaf. You see what happens, Rush? You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?!
