Of late we have been approached by many mothers concerned for the state of their children's moral health in light of the tragic lack of Christian values exhibited by our country's majority. "I picked my child up from Wee-Wuns Daycare the other day, only to have her tell me that she had spent the afternoon engaging in sexual intercourse with another three year old, and that she was interested in getting on 'the pill,'" one mother wrote. Another informed us that she was disturbed when she walked into her seven year old son's bedroom to find heroin needles scattered around him as he fellated another young male. Worried, we decided to rerelease some old reviews of Walt Disney films, all three of which both of the young children in question had watched within a year of their respective indiscretions. And we wonder why our land is falling into disarray....
The Little Mermaid
1991
Let us ignore the fact that on the cover of The Little Mermaid videocassette there is a large, erect phallus in the center of the castle. Let us even ignore the obvious arousal of the priest who officiates at the wedding of Ariel and Eric. But can we allow ourselves to ignore the distinctly unwholesome behavior of Eric, the film's unholy prince? Is it any coincidence that Jesus was the Prince of Peace, and Eric is the Prince of Lasciviousness and Unchaste Behavior? It is hard to believe that the artists at Disney were not purposely trying to distort our children's perceptions of Our Lord and Savior. Young Ariel, dressed only in a bra of shells, flaunts her pubescent nakedness in front of our innocent sons. How can we expect them to resist their base temptations when Ariel's smooth, white, creamy skin is thrust in their face just as the crown of thorns was thrust upon the head of our Lord and Savior? A parent who allows his or her child to watch this pornography-disguised-as-cartoon is no parent, but rather a purveyor of sexual filth and moral destruction.
Rating: Smut
Lady and The Tramp
1955
The world of our children is rife with influences that work to negate the Christian values we try and imbue in them: depraved crackwhores who accost them on their walks to school, offering sexual favors in exchange for drugs, homosexuals who try and pervert them by caressing their most private areas when they are barely out of diapers and Harry Potter novels that portray witchcraft as an activity that good Christians are supposed to laud and participate in. Must we also force them to watch films in which anthropomorphized dogs have thinly veiled premarital relations with each other? Can the shared spaghetti noodle in this film represent anything other than an evening of oral sex? Even this film's title is a reference to loose sexual behavior. Is the allusion to Lady Madonna an accident? We Street bishops have a lot of trouble believing that it is. To pair the name of the mother of Our Lord and Savior with one of the most frequently used terms for a woman who allows herself to be a town's watering hole is nothing less than heretical. One might as well send one's toddler dildo shopping at an XXX shop on the old 42nd Street on Sunday mornings.
Rating: Pure sexual filth
Snow White
1937
Oh, if only the title of this film, a clear allusion to the agnis dei, were a reference to the purity of the soul of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Unfortunately for our tiny babes, this is far from the truth. Instead, a young woman wanders into the woods only to be transformed into a whore by seven tiny men emerging from mines down under. (And one who cannot see the reference to the pits of hell is one who has not bothered embracing Our Lord and Savior.) The names of the dwarves -- Dopey, Sneezy, Bashful, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy and Doc -- are so obviously sexual in their connotations that the Disney corporation may as well have hired illustrators to create seven stumpy penises who march around and release their seed wherever they see fit. That only premarital sexual contact can break the so-called "spell" the "evil" stepmother puts on Snow White is mind-boggling, especially considering that the "spell" is actually an attempt to reverse the damage inflicted upon humans after Eve ate the first apple off the Tree of Life. If holy is evil, then we're out of a job.
Rating: Grotesque anti-Christian propaganda
