Sim–ply Sadistic: “I hate him so much. If he were a Sim, I would lock him up in the kitchen and start a fire.”

Grindr Aficionado: “Look at all the torsos I’m messaging!”

Maturing Playboy: “I was recently introduced to the idea of serious sex. Sex has really only ever been a joke to me.”

Social Justice Druggie: “I’m very pro on the opioid epidemic.”

COMM Professor: "If you did badly on this test, something is wrong with you."

Jesus Christ Super Frat Star: “Look, I’m just saying there’s no record of Jesus not being fucking high.”

Darty Girl (who eventually did get in): “You have to let me in, I’m not an annoying Penn girl—I go to Villanova.” 

Quad Guard: "Remember to stay warm! Me and Captain Morgan are going sailing as soon as I get home."

Passover Planner: "Are you going to the rabbi's house for the second seder? I woke up after St. Paddy's day and found out I RSVP'ed yes."