Humor
And now, the fake news
The DP has spoiled you. Everyday you get quality, in-depth reporting on relevant campus issues such as Frisbee golf and fire alarms.
From the editor
In my three and a half years at Street, I have succeeded in making a jackass out of myself in front of my friends, professors and relatives.
New Club Offers Gratuitous Sex
Sex deprived (SD) freshmen in Kings Court/English College House have chartered a new club they plan to call "Tuesday Night Orgy." According to club founder Clita Banerman, SD affects hundreds of dozens of freshmen, particularly those who live in Kings Court/English College House, which sees few visitors and therefore allows for less possible sexual encounters.
Cures for Senioritis
Tuesday was my 22nd birthday. It was also November 16th -- exactly six months until graduation. I didn't know whether to celebrate in the usual way -- get blackout drunk and make out with everyone I know -- or to finally trade in the Bacardi for the Botox.
From the editor
I guess we all knew it was coming. Sure, none of us ever wanted to believe it actually would happen, but we all knew. Even after a new start -- new record label, new name, comeback special on VH1, I guess we all knew that O.D.B.
Shoutouts Fall 2004
To the girl with the uneven boobs in my physics class: from the right side you look hot, but from the left you look like my grandma. To the guy who fell off his bike on Spruce St.: even though I asked if you were OK, I was laughing my ass off on the inside. To Gary Lundy in ARTH001, what I would do to you in a room without windows and a world without consequences?
Wanna have some fun?
I am quite possibly the most innocent person you will ever meet. This is reinforced for me on a daily basis here at Penn, but never have I been so acutely aware of my innocence as I was the first day of my Criminology class.
From the Editor
I signed up for classes recently. Normally, advance registration is a happy time for me. It's a time when I realize that the one or two terrible classes I inevitably have each semester are drawing to a close, a time to have a few beers and drunkenly plan my future.
I'm sick
My life as I know it started with My Girl. That movie was a wake-up call. When I saw Macaulay Culkin get stung by those bees and die, I realized that I, too, might have a fatal allergy to bee stings, and might not even know it until I got stung by a bee and died.
Top 10 Halloween Pickup lines
1) Yikes, you're ugly! Let's just pretend it's a costume. 2) Are you tired? Because I've been running through your nightmares all week. 3) All my roommates are out, so we can have the haunted house to ourselves. 4) Do you want to do the monster mash? 5) Is that broomstick built for two? 6) If you show me your Mounds, I'll show you my Almond Joy. 7) So what are you going to be for Halloween -- my date? 8) Nice pumpkins -- mind if I give them a carving? 9) If you'd like to be a part of my ghost costume, I would definitely let you come under my sheets. 10) You know, I don't think you look slutty at all...
Parents weekend horror stories
"I was in the middle of taking a shit in my bathroom when I realized there wasn't any toilet paper. Knowing there were extra rolls in the kitchen, I decided to take desperate measures.
Are you popular?
A lot of people view the beginning of college as a social clean slate. But it's not true. If I have to hear one more person say "college is great because people just accept you for who you are," I'm going to flip a shit.
From the Editor
I tried to write a funny column this week; I tried for a couple days, actually. I failed, but, hey, it's not like I'm ever that funny anyway. I failed because I was writing about things that might normally interest me -- gambling, for instance, and my housemates' obsession with it, or pardoning Ashlee Simpson for her lip-synching.
Divorced Parents Rock
23 years ago, my mother and father got married. Then they had my brother and me. However, my father's fast-paced life as a racecar driver and my mom's conservative life as a bank teller didn't mesh well, so they got divorced when I was five.
From the editor
Not many people -- especially my friends -- believe this, but I used to be a sweet kid. No, seriously.
How to Fail At Life
Just when saying "I'm 21" stopped sounding weird, only a few days stand between me and 22. Secretly, it pains me to admit that I am turning 22, since getting older stopped being fun at 18.
'Street' wonders: where the hell is judith rodin?
Scenario 1: In an obvious yet profitable move, J. Ro planned to capitalize on the similarities between her and J.
From the Editor
I have finally done it. I started to doubt myself. I started to wonder if it could be done. But I've finally done it.
Penn girls and rappers
1) You look at them the wrong way. 2) Their outfits don't match. 3) Pimp Juice gets in their eyes. 4) You step on their Gucci shoes. 5) You step on their Gucci feet. 6) You try to become part of their entourage. 7) You call them Eazy. 8) They can't spend money unnecessarily. 9) They wake up and realize they got screwed by some prick from Wharton. 10) Their social legitimacy and overall persona are questioned. 11) It rains and their hair gets ruined. 12) You can't understand what they're saying.
