If you consider Louis Vuitton Murakami handbags, driver's licenses and Elvis, you will find that everything really meaningful in life is necessarily followed by an imitation. Can't get that Baywatch chick's, jaw-dropping, er, smile out of your mind? While the faux version can be as alluring as the real deal, minor-league cool kids have no business playing ball with true hipsters. Don't let that boy with the Urban Outfitters Ramones T-shirt tell you he's been lovingly preserving it since the Rocket to Russia tour. We all know that true hipsterdom is all about faking it anyway -- but if you're gonna be an imposter, you might as well be good at it. Here's how to Oscar your way to indie-heaven.

The Real McCoy

Origins: Out of the womb with their collar popped

Sightings: Outside Adams, Northern Liberties two years ago

Eats: extreme dieting: cocaine, bulimia

Drinks: 25 cent PBRs

Clothing: Spends a month's rent on denim, shoes, and eyewear, but your t-shirt better fucking be vintage and under two dollars.

Music: break beats, house, and other things without words, French rap, neo-garage-house-post-swing-core-electro-bitch on vinyl

In Their Bed: Pan-sexual is the name of the game, in a very Benetton/Affirmative action kind of way; who says batting for all teams is against the rules?

Canal Street Cool

Origins: the teeny boppers grew up

Sightings: Outside Van Pelt

Eats: pussy dieting: tofu, vegan, macrobiotic

Drinks: Stella, colored drinks, drinks ending with -ini

Clothing: $25 "thrift" T-shirts, anything from Retrospect, jeans with unearned wear and tear

Music: The Postal Service on their iPod

In Their Bed: too hetero to hang with any real seriousness, occasional threesome for exhibition purposes.


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