If you consider Louis Vuitton Murakami handbags, driver's licenses and Elvis, you will find that everything really meaningful in life is necessarily followed by an imitation. Can't get that Baywatch chick's, jaw-dropping, er, smile out of your mind? While the faux version can be as alluring as the real deal, minor-league cool kids have no business playing ball with true hipsters. Don't let that boy with the Urban Outfitters Ramones T-shirt tell you he's been lovingly preserving it since the Rocket to Russia tour. We all know that true hipsterdom is all about faking it anyway -- but if you're gonna be an imposter, you might as well be good at it. Here's how to Oscar your way to indie-heaven.
The Real McCoy
Origins: Out of the womb with their collar popped
Sightings: Outside Adams, Northern Liberties two years ago
Eats: extreme dieting: cocaine, bulimia
Drinks: 25 cent PBRs
Clothing: Spends a month's rent on denim, shoes, and eyewear, but your t-shirt better fucking be vintage and under two dollars.
Music: break beats, house, and other things without words, French rap, neo-garage-house-post-swing-core-electro-bitch on vinyl
In Their Bed: Pan-sexual is the name of the game, in a very Benetton/Affirmative action kind of way; who says batting for all teams is against the rules?
Canal Street Cool
Origins: the teeny boppers grew up
Sightings: Outside Van Pelt
Eats: pussy dieting: tofu, vegan, macrobiotic
Drinks: Stella, colored drinks, drinks ending with -ini
Clothing: $25 "thrift" T-shirts, anything from Retrospect, jeans with unearned wear and tear
Music: The Postal Service on their iPod
In Their Bed: too hetero to hang with any real seriousness, occasional threesome for exhibition purposes.