Humor
From the editor
The thing about college is that you never really get a break. You wake up on Tuesday morning, and bump into an acquaintance, and the first thing they ask you is "What are you doing tonight?" This is annoying.
Word on the street: Coming up Catholic
Our teachers would convene in the back of the gym basement, drinking coffee and eyeing us suspiciously.
Worst of Penn
Worst place to have sex On top of the Button Look, before you say anything, I know what you're thinking: "What kind of moron has sex on top of the button, instead of under it?" Well, the answer is the kind of moron who is free of your cliched conventions and your planned unspontaneity, and who has the courage to free his mind, videotape himself having sex on top of the button with a hooker, get caught videotaping himself having sex on top of the button with a hooker, be handcuffed naked and thrown into a squad car, have to pay a large fine, do community service, attend sexual aggression classes, explain the whole thing to his parents and then have to speak at his old middle school about "D.A.R.E.-ing to be sexually safe." worst place to Be a piece of toast Franklin Field You wouldn't believe this, but people have a habit of throwing toast at the track of Franklin Field.
Ed's Picks
John Carroll Edz Picks Gillette went to three razors. Schick went to four razors. They won't stop until someone is nuking the stubble off of your face.
Word on the street: Triumverate of triumveration
I sometimes wonder, "If Jude Law is really good at playing jackasses, is he really good at being a jackass?" I also sometimes wonder if he secretly wants to be a lawyer.
From the editor
After college, age matters in a different way than it does while one is an undergraduate. Some people have their first kid at 23; some at 41; some never.
An op-ed about op-eds
My friend Stamos and I were jogging through West Philadelphia when we were stopped by four males unaffiliated with the university.
Top ten reasons
10. You don't read this page anyways. 9. It will waste 38 valuable seconds of your life. 8. We wrote it in less than 38 seconds. 7.
Stock up on Clutter
Even among the slew of second hand shops lining South Street, being thrifty is difficult. To cheaply satisfy any and all of your purchasing needs, save on cab fare and look no further than S.
Liar, liar, pants aflame
Easter Bunny Occupation: Laying eggs Hobbies: Rapid reproduction, stealing Jesus' thunder Mortal enemy: Israel Sexual position: Doo-Doo Rocket Celebrity look-alike: Vince Vaughn Favorite movie: Chocolat Can't live without: March Madness Place of birth: Beaches of Normandy Analysis: C'mon, everyone knows bunnies lay golden eggs. Santa Claus Occupation: Breaking and entering Hobbies: Checking things twice, judging children, enslaving Will Ferrell, Twinkies Mortal enemy: Hanukkah Harry Sexual position: G-Spot Jiggy Celebrity look-alike: Burt Bacharach Favorite movie: Amores Perros Can't live without: Carbs Place of birth: The Nile Analysis: I killed a man and still got presents. Tooth Fairy Occupation: Disgruntled dental student Hobbies: Collecting shark teeth and stamps Mortal enemy: The Floss Fairy Sexual position: The Soft Rock Celebrity look-alike: Jude Law Favorite movie: The Birdcage Can't live without: Oral fixation Place of birth: Mount Sinai Hospital Analysis: All little kids are deep sleepers. Leprechaun Occupation: Perpetuating Irish stereotypes Hobbies: Amateur meteorologist, corporate sell-out, bartending at O'Malley's Mortal enemy: Protestants Sexual position: Chicken Soup of the Sack Celebrity look-alike: Colin Farrel Favorite movie: Boondock Saints Can't live without: Skittles Place of birth: Ireland Analysis: The so-called luck of the Irish: potato famines, cirrhosis of the liver, the IRA, Bono. Bigfoot Occupation: Debunking Yeti myths Hobbies: Stomping around, solitaire Mortal enemy: Kodak Sexual position: The Amazing Butterfly Celebrity look-alike: Charlize Theron Favorite movie: The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon Can't live without: Leaves of Grass Place of birth: Millenium Falcon Analysis: It's not safe to not wear shoes anymore, with like used hypos all over the ground and stuff.
Word on the street: I was on mtvU
After sloshing down a few too many cosmos, my friend Grant likes to make serious life-altering decisions on the Internet.
From the Editor
When I was little my mom overheard two other mothers talking in the elevator of my elementary school.
Word on the street: Heavy Petting
Woof. Chirp. Meow. These are common sounds house pets make. Or maybe we should ask the real experts: college kid know-it-all's who actually have pets at school.
From the editor
There is a battle going on right now at Penn, and I am losing. Still, I haven't given up the fight. In fact, I think that once we soldiers return from the Diaspora, we may be able to live in symbiosis again.
Geo what?
Yeah, so I don't really like to talk about it because it's not that big of a deal to me or anything, but, yes, it's true: I won the Geography Bee in fifth grade.
Word on the street: Soccer is bad for you
Sometimes you get so out of shape that you forget you're out of shape. Initially, you don't exercise for a couple weeks and think, "I'm getting really fat, perhaps I should go to the gym." If it goes on for a month or two, though, the lack of exercise institutionalizes itself.
From the Editor: What does it mean to be "very Penn"?
It's a state that some are and some aren't. Penn's big, sure, and it's sort of diverse in its own quaint way.
From the editor
The first time Trina and I talked, things seemed bad. Okay, they didn't seem bad. They seemed awful.
It's that Special Time of Year
I don't blame us. We're products of an MTV phenomenon; a generation enthralled by glossy magazine covers and the cheapest road to fame.
