Lowbrow

Sorority girl: “Hi, how are you doing?” Ginger outside the Quad: “Hey, that looks heavy, do you need a hand with that?” Freshman: “I know we might not hang out as much next year, but I really enjoy my roommate’s company.” Frat Bro #1: “Did you have sex with Vanessa last night?” Frat Bro #2: “No, I think I need more of an emotional connection before I’m ready to be physically intimate with someone.
October 17, 2013 at 5:08 am

Every college student has one of those lazy Saturdays.
October 17, 2013 at 5:04 am

After a stressful week of exams, College sophomore Alvin Kaplan was all set for a fun evening out on the town—but something was holding him back. Alvin had run out of clean clothes. “I got out of the shower, and that’s when it hit me,” Alvin said.
October 17, 2013 at 5:01 am

October 3, 2013 at 5:30 am

MCNEIL BUILDING—At 1:45 p.m.
September 26, 2013 at 5:40 am

The parents of Karl Deely, a College senior majoring in urban studies, are finding themselves at a loss when asked by friends what their son will be doing upon graduation. “Getting his life together, hopefully,” Karl’s father, Samuel Deely, used to joke.
September 26, 2013 at 5:35 am

PHILADEPHIA—Senior Rebecca Goldsmith is in a state of panic today after “yet another” job offer has filled her inbox. Goldsmith, a Wharton student concentrating in Finance, reportedly “nailed” every single interview during OCR, all 82 of them. “I just didn’t plan on it going like this!
September 26, 2013 at 5:30 am

1. Aggressively avoid eye contact. 2. Sweat profusely. No undershirts. (Undershirts are meant to cover up the fact that you have no spine.) 3.
September 26, 2013 at 5:19 am

Dear The Daily Pennsylvanian, Hello.
September 19, 2013 at 6:00 am

JERUSALEM—After publishing a few opinion pieces in The Daily Pennsylvanian, College sophomore George Aaronow has stunned the world by bringing peace to the Levant. Israelis and Palestinians alike rejoiced, linking arms and shouting to the heavens in rapturous jubilation upon reading George’s editorials.
September 19, 2013 at 5:55 am

PHILADELPHIA­­­—“Introduction to Geology”  professor Graham Stone was stunned yesterday after a student with a “spotty at best” attendance record dropped his intro–level rocks class. “It was the start of a normal Tuesday for me, when I logged on to Blackboard only to realize that my class count had gone from 157 to 156.
September 19, 2013 at 5:50 am

PHILADELPHIA—Fans of Walt, Hank and Jesse now have a new friend to talk to.
September 12, 2013 at 5:53 am

LOCUST WALK—A Penn campus sorority is in shambles after what sorority president could only call “an unprecedented disaster.” This past Sunday, an emergency chapter meeting took place at the Delta Delta Delta house to discuss the sorority’s future after Tri Delta sister–for–life Tonya Stein–Dietrich reportedly snubbed fellow sister–for–life, Jessica Hunstman. At Sunday’s emergency caucus, the first in Tri Delta’s 127–year history, Huntsman accused Stein–Dietrich of “blatantly ignoring” what Huntsman described at the stand as a “very cheerful and extremely heartfelt good morning.” “I was walking to Van Pelt via Locust, enjoying not only the fresh air, but also the campus buzz, when I unexpectedly spotted a fellow sister walking toward me,” Huntsman stated on the record to a divided chapter house. “I was filled with pure delight to see her, especially after Tonya and I made eye contact not more than a few seconds later.
September 12, 2013 at 5:28 am

THE QUAD—Following a series of substantial changes to her rankings methodology, College Freshman Claire now finds herself in seventh place, consistent with the 2012 rankings of herself. This year marked a notable shift from years past in its focus on outcome measures from peers as opposed to personal development.
September 12, 2013 at 5:00 am

ZACH Come with me to the dark side.
September 5, 2013 at 5:30 am

To blonde girls: Where are you?! —Disappointed exchange student To an AXO: I can say no. To Tyga: The University of Pennsylvania might not be your biggest fan, but somewhere a school called Penn University loves you. To the beautiful SDT sophomore I met at  Shabbat dinner: Shut up.
April 18, 2013 at 12:00 pm

To the Tier Three Fraternities: Must be nice up there.  Love, Castle. To the Tier Four Fraternities: Must be nice up there.
April 18, 2013 at 12:00 pm

To my orgo lab TA: We all know your girlfriend excites your carbonyl group, but how bout you wait ‘til after class to show it? To the manager of Williams Cafe: I like you just like my coffee—tall, steaming hot and full of cream. To the freshman boy who tried to get with me this Fling: You had a booger in your nose, so you can blow yourself. To the Theos boy who probably wrote most of these cruel Shoutouts: Do you realize how much time you’re wasting writing this?
April 18, 2013 at 10:00 am

This year is the 40th anniversary of Fling, thus the theme “40 Years of Fling.” Here are some of the other themes they were considering.
April 11, 2013 at 5:42 am

Rainy Fall Freakishly Hot Arctic
April 11, 2013 at 5:41 am