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Lowbrow

The worst of Penn 2006

WORST PLACE TO STUDY ABROAD BUENOS AIRES It fucking sucks here. Everyone speaks Spanish. Who knew? WORST FORM OF THEFT PREVENTION: FRESH GROCER'S USE OF A SHARPIE ON PEOPLE'S RECEIPTS Though the pen may be mightier than the sword, it sure as hell isn't mighiter than a glock or a canister of Syntox nerve gas.

by 34TH STREET

Springtime for Texas

This might just be me, but I am sick and tired of announcers talking about our SAT scores during the tournament.

by MIKE HELLER

An op-ed on birthdays

1. You are not entitled to be angry at people who forget to wish you a happy birthday. When people forget to wish you a happy birthday, it's for a reason: they were never your friend to begin with. 2.

by ANDREW GOLDSMITH

Word of the Week

Vestihibitionism definition: the flirtatious display of undergarments by a woman Ex. Dennis Rodman, "Yo, whodi, it is mad brik in here.

by 34TH STREET

7 reasons not to vote for the UA

7. You'll be graduating soon. Do you really think that any so-called improvements will actually benefit you? 6.

by PROVOST DON RANIELS

Thing of the Week

The Package Saver Ever wonder why there is a circular plastic tripod in the center of your pizza?

by 34TH STREET

Work of the Week: Brick

pronunciation: brik definition: cold, meteorologically speaking Ex. St. Patrick, "I said a Brrr.

by 34TH STREET

Thing of the Week: Aglet

Ever wondered what that little plastic thingie at the end of a shoelace is called? Well now you know ... cause knowledge is power!

by 34TH STREET

Thing of the week

Dreamcatchers* These ancient Indian crafts hang over your bed and use the power of the spirits to protect you from bad dreams.

by 34TH STREET

Word of the week

One pronunciation: (WON) definition: Short for "one love,", it is an expression of deep wishes of goodwill from one whodi to another Ex. Rutherford B.

by 34TH STREET

The olympic spirit: is it in you?

You know you're destined for the following Winter Olympic sports if: Male Figure Skating -- You prance around in your mother's clothing doing interpretive dance only to later purge your sins using her bidet. Male Ice Dancing -- The one adjective people use to describe you is FIERCE. Women's Ice Hockey -- You're distantly related to Becky "the Icebox" O'Shea. Men's Ice Hockey -- You're from a country where people have last names like "Khabibulin" that are actually pronounced like "HAV-ee-BOO-lin." Cross Country Skiing -- You say California like Arnold Schwarzenegger and celebrate folklore of the Holy Roman Empire. Male Doubles Luge -- You enjoy nestling your head in other men's swamp nuts.

by ANDREW GOLDSMITH

Penn Inspired Olympic Events

Bullet Dodging: Teams sprint up and down in front of the 7-11 on 38th Street, trying to dodge bullets fired by local West Philadelphians.

by JENI SUE BIRNBAUM

New olympic sports

Human curling -- Just like actual curling, except instead of that weird iron-on-a-piece-of-rock thing, you use midgets. Make yellow snow and eat it -- It means eat your own pee!

by JONAH PLATT

Word of the week

apodyopsis pronunciation: (AH-po-dye-AHP-sis) function: noun definition: the act of mentally undressing someone. Ex. Buffalo Bill: "Damn, whodi.

by 34TH STREET

Video Library's Top Ten Most Checked-Out Movies This Week

1. Elizabethtown 2. Lord of War 3. Waiting... 4. In Her Shoes 5.

by 34TH STREET

February Fury: The Real Tournament of Champions

Round One: HULK VS THE THING In a battle of the big, ugly strong guys, The Thing slips some codeine into The Hulk's Gatorade, waits for him to relax and then crushes his puny human form.

by 34TH STREET

Street Beats

Kansas court blocks abortion records access. The censored LPs include: Red Hot Chili Preggers, Wu Tang Coathanger, Blink-182-days-since-my-last-cycle and Destiny's Fetus. Steelers beat Seahawks, 21-10. PA sighs relief that it didn't blow yet another Super Bowl. Egyptian ferry carrying 1,400 passengers sinks in Red Sea. Moses, M.I.A., had been delayed at airport security checkpoint. Vaccine against diarrhea-causing-virus is approved. Alternative to vaccine also emerges: don't eat at College Buffet. Vet building at Penn nears completion. Local collie develops psychosomatic fleas in anticipation. Penn puts on production of The Vagina Monologues: Feb 15th and 17th at 8 p.m.

by 34TH STREET

Shoutouts

To the guy that jerked off during finals last year in the Rosengarten bathroom: I was in the next stall, you sick fuck.

by 34TH STREET

Grammy predictions

The 48th Annual Grammy Awards roll around this Wednesday, and although the Grammys seem to mean less and less each year, we thought we'd give you our predictions.

by 34TH STREET

Super bowl for dummies

We understand that football is not everyone's cup of tea, so here are some fail-safe phrases to mask the fact that you know absolutely shit about football. When They Say... "I bet Hines Ward is going to go off for over 100 yards." "I enjoy watching Hines Ward excel at the game that he plays." "Ten bucks says Roethlisberger can't keep his completion percentage at 63%." "I am a big fan of completion percentages.

by JONAH PLATT

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