Penn breeds Winners. Every hour of every day, we’re Achieving and becoming Leaders. And it never stops.
6–8 a.m., we’re competing for the title of “Woke Up Earliest to Do Homework.”
9–11 a.m., the game is on for “Has Too Much Class to Eat Breakfast.”
12–3 p.m., “Spent the Longest Amount of Time at Pottruck.”
4–6 p.m., “Too Much Volunteering to Eat Dinner.”
7–9 p.m., “Finished Lab Report Before Pregame.”
10–12 a.m., “Took Most Shots Without Blacking Out.”
1–3 a.m., “Stayed Out the Latest, No FOMO.”
4–6 a.m., “Slept the Least.”
We just can’t stop competing, against our friends and ourselves.
(857): I watch more porn than I watch movies. (714): God I would jam you so hard (714): U know I’m hot as fuck (714): I don’t jerk to ppl who think I’m ugly (714): Dude ur totes buying condoms at the mall (510): Spring breakers is actually pretty accurate cause I wanna kill like everyone in Miami right now (510): Fuck I literally accidently texted my ex instead of you asking him “where he at in this gay club” (646): I don’t think I’m alive anymore...I just puked 5 times before 1pm (773): My burn finally turned to tan!! Just in time to peel off...it now looks likes splotty third nipple (508): My strep rash cleared just in time to get sunburnt (734): You’d think we’d get drunk and do something fun but we just got drunk and played monopoly (215): Damn mtha fackacs (516): She had a nipple piercing and a tramp stamp but told me not to worry because she got both when she 15.
Walking out of VP on Saturday afternoon, I had five new Grindr messages. Booyah. Three messages were from an old “professional type” looking for a twinky college boy, and the others were from a steamy grad student in the School of Design.
Theta frosh: Siri, where's Oz?
A's boy: Who the fuck doesn't have Uber?!
Girl on Locust: I may have egged a house once.
VP security guard: I ooze flowers.
Blonde girl: I just feel like I get really fucked up and suck dick at every date night.