Humor

For juniors and seniors, the end is near; and it's pretty dark. You've probably spent three years immersing yourself in the demography of cocaine use in east Angola in the 19th Century only to realize now that no one cares.
November 6, 2003 at 12:00 am

The nightmare is over. Thankfully, most of you neglected to notice as the third installment in the American Pie series (American Wedding) sputtered, wheezed and ground to a much-needed halt within days of hitting the box office.
November 6, 2003 at 12:00 am

This past Saturday night after one too many, I found myself sitting on my living room couch composing a list entitled, "Should these things be important to me now?" 1.
November 6, 2003 at 12:00 am

Penn kids, you're not cool. I'm sorry it has to be like this. But even my photography professor agrees.
October 30, 2003 at 12:00 am

Over the course of my three years at Penn, I've been threatened with deportation twice, frisked three times -- not just checking my boots for box-cutters, but the full deal, burly mustachioed women and all -- and most recently, over Fall Break, denied entry into this land of the free/home of the brave by a smug U.S.
October 30, 2003 at 12:00 am

We're going to have a little lesson today. Listen up, because there'll be a quiz later. New York is a great city.
October 23, 2003 at 12:00 am

While running to catch the subway in New York over fall break, I passed a woman wearing a shirt bearing the message I LOVE ME.
October 23, 2003 at 12:00 am

We all know about the librarian who allegedly possessed a full library of lolita files on his computer.
October 16, 2003 at 12:00 am

When I walk through campus, I don't see a lot of pretty faces; I see a lot of potential strippers. Big booty hoes and D-cupped boogie-babes amble through Penn's hallowed grounds without even realizing their potential -- to take off dem nasty clothes.
October 16, 2003 at 12:00 am

This issue is not about you. No matter how many times you find yourself dancing on top of a bar and discover your right boob hanging out.
October 16, 2003 at 12:00 am

When I got into Penn, most of my parents' friends gave me the congratulatory slap on the back. But when we ran into my mom's friend Mrs. Wygotski at the mall, she gave my mother an incredulous look and screamed: "You're sending him there?
October 2, 2003 at 12:00 am

After months of preparation, the California gubernatorial recall election is fast approaching. While it would seem that only students from California with absentee ballots would have the fun, even those who have never been to the Golden State can party. Here's the deal: There are 135 candidates in the race.
October 2, 2003 at 12:00 am

J-Lo's got nothing on the bodacious bevy of big beautiful butts that make sandwiches at Wawa. Those ladies are horrendously big boned.
October 2, 2003 at 12:00 am

I love football. There's nothing better than sitting down at the bar on a Sunday afternoon and watching all 10 one o'clock games while screaming at the top of your lungs about how the refs blew that last call or that last call was blown by the refs or that incompletion two plays ago was the fault of the refs. Even though the Eagles are 0-2 so far this year, that hasn't lessened my love for the real national pastime.
September 25, 2003 at 12:00 am

I masturbate in public. Not constantly. Not even that frequently. Maybe once a month. Unless I find a new place to try out.
September 25, 2003 at 12:00 am

Over lunch yesterday, my roommate quipped about a rather dramatic contingent of our social circle, "Being friends with those three is like being friends with US Weekly." While I'm not entirely sure how one becomes friends with a magazine, I can tell you this: I wish there was a little more US Weekly material at Penn. In our attempt to gather "dirt" for a gossip column for the "Stijl" section this week, we came up empty-handed.
September 25, 2003 at 12:00 am

While I may lack the accent and beige hot pants of famed Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, this doesn't mean that I am any less of a scientist.
September 18, 2003 at 12:00 am

Top Gun is the gayest movie ever made. Gayest movie ever. So like the entire movie should be seen as this allegory about one man's struggle with his sexuality.
September 18, 2003 at 12:00 am

I would say "Welcome Back," but I feel like I never really left you. Wherever I went -- from the sidewalks of the East Village to the shores of the Bahamas -- you were right behind me, stalking me every step of the way.
September 11, 2003 at 12:00 am

During my first attempt at Accounting 101 I found myself studying furiously but futilely, in the Borders caf‚. If I concentrate hard and long enough I won't have to pull out of the class.
September 11, 2003 at 12:00 am