Lowbrow

While running to catch the subway in New York over fall break, I passed a woman wearing a shirt bearing the message I LOVE ME.
October 23, 2003 at 12:00 am

We all know about the librarian who allegedly possessed a full library of lolita files on his computer.
October 16, 2003 at 12:00 am

When I walk through campus, I don't see a lot of pretty faces; I see a lot of potential strippers. Big booty hoes and D-cupped boogie-babes amble through Penn's hallowed grounds without even realizing their potential -- to take off dem nasty clothes.
October 16, 2003 at 12:00 am

This issue is not about you. No matter how many times you find yourself dancing on top of a bar and discover your right boob hanging out.
October 16, 2003 at 12:00 am

When I got into Penn, most of my parents' friends gave me the congratulatory slap on the back. But when we ran into my mom's friend Mrs. Wygotski at the mall, she gave my mother an incredulous look and screamed: "You're sending him there?
October 2, 2003 at 12:00 am

After months of preparation, the California gubernatorial recall election is fast approaching. While it would seem that only students from California with absentee ballots would have the fun, even those who have never been to the Golden State can party. Here's the deal: There are 135 candidates in the race.
October 2, 2003 at 12:00 am

J-Lo's got nothing on the bodacious bevy of big beautiful butts that make sandwiches at Wawa. Those ladies are horrendously big boned.
October 2, 2003 at 12:00 am

I love football. There's nothing better than sitting down at the bar on a Sunday afternoon and watching all 10 one o'clock games while screaming at the top of your lungs about how the refs blew that last call or that last call was blown by the refs or that incompletion two plays ago was the fault of the refs. Even though the Eagles are 0-2 so far this year, that hasn't lessened my love for the real national pastime.
September 25, 2003 at 12:00 am

I masturbate in public. Not constantly. Not even that frequently. Maybe once a month. Unless I find a new place to try out.
September 25, 2003 at 12:00 am

Over lunch yesterday, my roommate quipped about a rather dramatic contingent of our social circle, "Being friends with those three is like being friends with US Weekly." While I'm not entirely sure how one becomes friends with a magazine, I can tell you this: I wish there was a little more US Weekly material at Penn. In our attempt to gather "dirt" for a gossip column for the "Stijl" section this week, we came up empty-handed.
September 25, 2003 at 12:00 am

While I may lack the accent and beige hot pants of famed Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, this doesn't mean that I am any less of a scientist.
September 18, 2003 at 12:00 am

Top Gun is the gayest movie ever made. Gayest movie ever. So like the entire movie should be seen as this allegory about one man's struggle with his sexuality.
September 18, 2003 at 12:00 am

I would say "Welcome Back," but I feel like I never really left you. Wherever I went -- from the sidewalks of the East Village to the shores of the Bahamas -- you were right behind me, stalking me every step of the way.
September 11, 2003 at 12:00 am

During my first attempt at Accounting 101 I found myself studying furiously but futilely, in the Borders caf‚. If I concentrate hard and long enough I won't have to pull out of the class.
September 11, 2003 at 12:00 am

Well, this is it--the last issue of the summer. As this publication ends, I can see the end of my summer coming up quickly.
July 31, 2003 at 12:00 am

Hey. Psst. Wanna hear a secret? These letters that I write every week, they're not very funny. They're not even written well.
July 24, 2003 at 12:00 am

I have failed you, my loyal readers. "No!" You scream. "Say it ain't so, Alex!" And then you sob, "Say it ain't so." Well, it's so.
July 17, 2003 at 12:00 am

Requirements?" I asked aloud of no one in particular as I sat alone reading an email from my advisor late last fall.
April 24, 2003 at 12:00 am

@Headline 36pt:Scene: The Spectaguard office in the upper Quad Characters: Spectaguard John (Hardick Mcfucksalot), Jenny Goldsteinbergman (Misty Snow), Lucy Chintakisoya (Wan Itonmai-Chin) [Misty comes to the upper quad turnstile at 4 am on Saturday night after having been drinking with some of her girlfriends.
April 24, 2003 at 12:00 am

Class of '03 in da hizz-ouz...Sink or Swim? We sank!!!..."I do what I want"...Ghetto Quad...TCCICCUR2G2B4G10...TMJ + MSM: Tru Luv Waits...Bros B4 Ho's...Pukin' At The Deck...Fling of '99...Twattin' it up at CosŒ...No Tips for BM at BB's...Cancun!!!...Penn Madness Group (oral favors do not guarantee victory)...Seniors Rule...Shoot for the sun and you might hit a star! Oh my God, so I'm totally like, NOT graduating.
April 24, 2003 at 12:00 am