Listen up, lads and lassies, because we’re letting you know the Irish jig is up. They say that at the end of every rainbow there’s a pot of gold, and here at Highbrow, we like that gold to be gossip. From your backlot blunders to your mishaps at DeckHaus, we can’t even be–Guiness to tell you about all the crazy *shit* that happened. On second thought, you might want that extra shot of whiskey in your Bailey’s. This week’s Round Up won’t go down nearly as smooth.
It's confirmed that sketchy elevated surfaces are more reliable than muscley boys these days. Sources say that at a darty, an A’s guy tried to pick up a freshman in Tri Delt but completely dropped her, which resulted in the girl breaking her finger. After the tumble, she realized the injury was so bad that she eventually had to go to the ER. We're sorry for our fallen friend's rotten luck this year, but hey, you can only go up when you’ve hit (sham)rock bottom.
This weekend was one of breaking fingers and apparently breaking the seal. At a Phi Delt house this past weekend, two Oax freshmen took a hiatus from the party to locate a bathroom on one of the upper floors. Our eager pee–vers, after learning all the bathrooms were full, instead waddled their way to a nearby brother's room. In what we can only imagine was a feat of pure pissing excellence, the girls found what Highbrows hears was a "bowl" and peed in it, before hiding it under the unsuspecting boy’s bed. Highbrow urges all of you Phi Delt boys to check under your beds for a special surprise! If you thought that stale smell of week–old piss was really just your own musk, the jOax on you.
On the topic of makeshift toilet bowls, two freshmen girls in the Quad woke up in horror to find a random boy literally shitting in their room. When the girls asked the half–naked freshman what the actual fuck he was doing, he explained that he thought he was in his own room. In lieu of the poo, other Coxe residents in Ware discovered a pair of “destroyed” boxers in the hall bathroom, and the Division of Public Safety even sent out an email to freshmen reminding them of the importance to always lock their doors. Although the shitty suspect is still unknown, we hope the victimized hall feces that justice is done.
Butt seriously, the ab–turdity should’ve stopped there. While the party was winding down at Phi’s DeckHaus this past weekend, a group of unruly boys started banging on a neighboring apartment of Theta and Oax girls, asking to be let in. Woken up from their post–darty naps, the girls confronted the randos and ordered them to get off their fire escape. Twenty minutes later, a roommate discovered that one rejected, and clearly dejected, member of the group decided to drop a deuce right outside their door. Can we really blame him though for answering the call of doodie?