Humor

Round 1 -- The Obvious 1. For every Jew in the room, take a shot. 2. For every kid from the tri-state area, take a shot. 3.
October 20, 2005 at 12:00 am

According to the U.S. Center for Disease Control, six out of 10 Americans are either overweight or obese, but have you ever noticed how these same large and in charge Americans are obsessed with Disney's Winnie the Pooh?
October 6, 2005 at 12:00 am

Moderated by Alf. We don't know why, either. Alf: Welcome, friends. As an alien living far away from my home planet and native people, I eat cats.
October 6, 2005 at 12:00 am

Being a senior is kind of like being the star of an aging TV show. You have the cool house, the awards and accolades, often a solid following of fans.
October 6, 2005 at 12:00 am

Mischievious -- Do you think the kids would notice if I take off my pants? Yeah, they would. It's hard not to notice my love-baton. Afraid -- Oh man.
October 6, 2005 at 12:00 am

September 29, 2005 at 12:00 am

In response to the Penn application essay question, "Why do you want to go here?" I theorized that by default, Philadelphia is the best city for a university ("DC is corrupted by politics, NY by crime and Boston by college students and rats"). Now that I'm a couple of semesters of college closer to not being in college, I'll very soon be picking another city.
September 29, 2005 at 12:00 am

When I think of college (some years hence) I will think of many things, I'm sure. (Or, as sure as I can be when hypothesizing on a still sort of distant future.) I sort of want to list those things now, but I also sort of don't.
September 29, 2005 at 12:00 am

The album is the half-baked offspring of recycled ideas and hasty creation. The band toured for most of 2004 and 2005, writing and recording the new record whenever they could squeeze in studio time.
September 29, 2005 at 12:00 am

Suddenly, the whole school reeks. Not of rotting gyros nor unwashed freshman. Not of freshly manured Green grass nor second hand smoke. No, it's the smell of ambitious seniors.
September 22, 2005 at 12:00 am

Ahoy, me maties! For those of ye landlubbers who didn't know, less than a fortnight ago, this past Monday was National Talk Like a Pirate Day, or TLAPD for short.
September 22, 2005 at 12:00 am

Oh, the joys of youth! When drinking was illegal. No AC in Hill. Free time. Ah, happy times. So, in honor of naive-ness, we present to you the 15 F-ups froshies should have done by now at Penn.
September 22, 2005 at 12:00 am

Anyone who saw Sin City can tell you comics have changed a bit since the saccharine days of Superman and Dick Tracy.
September 22, 2005 at 12:00 am

I Can Pee Clearly Now I can pee clearly now the pain is gone. I can pee, no obstacles in my way. Gone are the itchy rashes that had me down. It's gunna be a bright (bright) Bright STD-free day. Oh yes I can make it now the warts are gone. All of the inflammation has disappeared. Here is that dick cream I've been praying for. It's gunna be a bright (bright) Bright STD-free day. Look all around there's nothing but pube hairs Look straight ahead there's nothing but pube hairs. I can pee clearly now the pain is gone. I can pee, no obstacles in my way. Oh, shit, my girlfriend has got herpes. It ain't right (right) Right no sex tonight. It ain't right (right) Right no sex tonight. (Fades) Mrs. VankerTanker We used to laugh at my high school Spanish teacher because she was fat couldn't wear shoes that tie instead she wore Velcro and would cry after eating lunch in her room alone.
September 22, 2005 at 12:00 am

This summer I did a great deal of self-evaluation. I thought about the upcoming experience of being a senior and the culmination of a very pleasant little educational track that benevolent forces had seemed to guide me along.
September 15, 2005 at 12:00 am

September 15, 2005 at 12:00 am

Dollar Warehouse 4007 Market Street (215) 387-4972 You've probably passed it hundreds of times, as you make your weekly or daily trudge over to Market Street to pick up some spirits.
September 15, 2005 at 12:00 am

I don't really want to write this letter, because it's the obvious letter to write, but I sort of have to.
April 21, 2005 at 12:00 am

The views expressed in the following belong only to the individuals submitting the ads and do not necessarily reflect the views of 34th Street Magazine and its editors. To underclassmen: Tri Di?
April 21, 2005 at 12:00 am

This is it. The end. In 24 days -- a mere 576 hours -- I, with the rest of my class, will graduate. In 24 days it will no longer be appropriate to puke up vodka cranberry for four hours on a Friday morning.
April 21, 2005 at 12:00 am