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Film & TV

BUT They Were so cute!

And you thought Bennifer was the break-up to end all break-ups. It may have been a week late, but Hollywood gave celebrity gossipers the best Christmas gift imaginable a couple of weeks ago.

by MAWUSE ZIEGBE

Hilary swank looks like a man...

Million Dollar Baby is the conventional movie that everyone's sure to like a lot, but not to love.

by ROB COHEN

Assault on our intelligence

Jean-Francois Richet's remake of John Carpenter's 1976 film Assault on Precinct 13 could almost be billed as a parody of the typical action flick.

by ALIX MCKENNA

Basketball a la Carter

In 1999 Ken Carter, head coach of an inner city high school basketball team in California, created a large controversy when he locked out his undefeated team because they were doing poorly in school.

by ALEXANDRA CHALAT

Hot sticky sugar sweet

This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue. While interning at Vivid Video, I happened upon a script featuring one of my good friends in a, ahem, special movie.

by 34TH STREET

Singing to a different poon

This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue. Misty Beethoven: The Musical is destined for Oscar glory.

by SWEATEE MUFFMUNCHER

Alexander the gay

Oliver Stone's bloated new epic Alexander is really, really gay. Overt male homoeroticism pervades almost every other scene.

by JEFF LEVIN

Worse Than watching paint dry

Because we know more about film than all of Hollywood (and by the transitive property, that means all of you too), we thought we'd present to you, our glorious readers, the grandest film gaffes of the year 2004.

by ZACH SMITH

Stop in the name of law!

Closer features one of the most beautiful casts ever assembled. Alice (Natalie Portman) and Dan (Jude Law) face an obstacle in their relationship when Anna (Julia Roberts) is hired to take Dan's picture for a book cover jacket and a passionate kiss between the two ensues.

by HILLARY KELLY

Jerry Bruckheimer is a Garish Assclown

Within the first 10 minutes of National Treasure, a gunpowder-packed treasure ship, submerged under the icy tundra, explodes.

by CARLY DAUCHER

Go Hasselhoff, Go

The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie tries to be broad enough to appeal to a wide variety of audiences, but ultimately fails to please any.

by MATT KURUC

Battle of the online rentals

In the age of campusfood, eBay and amazon.com, leaving the house has become a thing of the past. Now we can sit at home on the couch, wallowing in our own lethargy as the world's bounty is delivered right to our door.

by CLAYTON NEUMAN

I want to defy

Before Dr. Alfred Kinsey's 1948 book Sexual Behavior in the Human Male exploded onto the bestseller list, Americans believed all sorts of crazy things about sex: that masturbation causes blindness, dancing spreads venereal disease and wearing high heels can make a woman sterile.

by JEFF LEVIN

Renee is fat again...

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason delivers what you would expect in a sequel to the 2001 hit. Our story resumes eight weeks into Bridget (Renee Zellweger) and Mark Darcy's (Colin Firth) relationship.

by ALIX MCKENNA

Imagine Johnny Depp's sword

Humor is blended with gravity, and fantasy with reality, in the enjoyable Finding Neverland. Set in 1903 London, the film chronicles the true story of J.

by JENNIFER ZUCKERMAN

Hallelujah!

Enduring Love Starring: Daniel Craig and Samantha Morton Directed by: Roger Michell Rated: R "You're mad." "That's what they said about Jesus." "Yea, that's also what they said about a lot of mad people." Enduring Love, a psychological thriller, is the eeriest movie of the year.

by ALEXIS ORENSTEIN

Alfie who?

Alfie Starring: Jude Law, Susan Sarandon, Marisa Tomei Directed by: Charles Shyer Rated: R Sometimes the main character in a film is bigger than the film itself.

by ROB COHEN

Real superheroes don't wear capes

The Incredibles Starring: Craig T. Nelson, Holly Hunter, Jason Lee Directed: Brad Bird Rated: PG Meet Bob Parr: He's married, he has three kids, he's fat.

by CLAYTON NEUMAN

Don't See-Saw

Don't bother seeing Saw, a stupefyingly stupid exercise in cinematic sadism. Written and directed by two Australian newcomers, this surprise Sundance Film Festival hit spirals into convolution from scene one. Adam and Lawrence (co-writers Leigh Whannel and English hambone Cary Elwes) wake up chained to rusty pipes in an underground bathhouse, the latest victims-to-be of the Jigsaw Killer.

by JEFF LEVIN

Hit the Road Jack

Ray is this year's first great historical drama. What initially seems like a confused and chaotic film with random flashbacks and surprising images ends up being a film about this confusion and chaos.

by ROB COHEN

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