Lowbrow

In response to the Penn application essay question, "Why do you want to go here?" I theorized that by default, Philadelphia is the best city for a university ("DC is corrupted by politics, NY by crime and Boston by college students and rats"). Now that I'm a couple of semesters of college closer to not being in college, I'll very soon be picking another city.
September 29, 2005 at 12:00 am

When I think of college (some years hence) I will think of many things, I'm sure. (Or, as sure as I can be when hypothesizing on a still sort of distant future.) I sort of want to list those things now, but I also sort of don't.
September 29, 2005 at 12:00 am

The album is the half-baked offspring of recycled ideas and hasty creation. The band toured for most of 2004 and 2005, writing and recording the new record whenever they could squeeze in studio time.
September 29, 2005 at 12:00 am

Suddenly, the whole school reeks. Not of rotting gyros nor unwashed freshman. Not of freshly manured Green grass nor second hand smoke. No, it's the smell of ambitious seniors.
September 22, 2005 at 12:00 am

Ahoy, me maties! For those of ye landlubbers who didn't know, less than a fortnight ago, this past Monday was National Talk Like a Pirate Day, or TLAPD for short.
September 22, 2005 at 12:00 am

Oh, the joys of youth! When drinking was illegal. No AC in Hill. Free time. Ah, happy times. So, in honor of naive-ness, we present to you the 15 F-ups froshies should have done by now at Penn.
September 22, 2005 at 12:00 am

Anyone who saw Sin City can tell you comics have changed a bit since the saccharine days of Superman and Dick Tracy.
September 22, 2005 at 12:00 am

I Can Pee Clearly Now I can pee clearly now the pain is gone. I can pee, no obstacles in my way. Gone are the itchy rashes that had me down. It's gunna be a bright (bright) Bright STD-free day. Oh yes I can make it now the warts are gone. All of the inflammation has disappeared. Here is that dick cream I've been praying for. It's gunna be a bright (bright) Bright STD-free day. Look all around there's nothing but pube hairs Look straight ahead there's nothing but pube hairs. I can pee clearly now the pain is gone. I can pee, no obstacles in my way. Oh, shit, my girlfriend has got herpes. It ain't right (right) Right no sex tonight. It ain't right (right) Right no sex tonight. (Fades) Mrs. VankerTanker We used to laugh at my high school Spanish teacher because she was fat couldn't wear shoes that tie instead she wore Velcro and would cry after eating lunch in her room alone.
September 22, 2005 at 12:00 am

This summer I did a great deal of self-evaluation. I thought about the upcoming experience of being a senior and the culmination of a very pleasant little educational track that benevolent forces had seemed to guide me along.
September 15, 2005 at 12:00 am

September 15, 2005 at 12:00 am

Dollar Warehouse 4007 Market Street (215) 387-4972 You've probably passed it hundreds of times, as you make your weekly or daily trudge over to Market Street to pick up some spirits.
September 15, 2005 at 12:00 am

I don't really want to write this letter, because it's the obvious letter to write, but I sort of have to.
April 21, 2005 at 12:00 am

The views expressed in the following belong only to the individuals submitting the ads and do not necessarily reflect the views of 34th Street Magazine and its editors. To underclassmen: Tri Di?
April 21, 2005 at 12:00 am

This is it. The end. In 24 days -- a mere 576 hours -- I, with the rest of my class, will graduate. In 24 days it will no longer be appropriate to puke up vodka cranberry for four hours on a Friday morning.
April 21, 2005 at 12:00 am

When you miss a 34th Street editor's meeting, one of your co-editors will think it's funny to tell everyone you're writing a column about life, so then you have to write a column about life. This column, everyone, is about life. I've only attempted something so ambitious once before.
April 14, 2005 at 12:00 am

Here's the thing with Fling: It scares me. Oh, maybe "scares" is the wrong word. But the thought of Fling really does does make me all anxious and itchy.
April 14, 2005 at 12:00 am

The thing about college is that you never really get a break. You wake up on Tuesday morning, and bump into an acquaintance, and the first thing they ask you is "What are you doing tonight?" This is annoying.
April 7, 2005 at 12:00 am

Our teachers would convene in the back of the gym basement, drinking coffee and eyeing us suspiciously.
April 7, 2005 at 12:00 am

Worst place to have sex On top of the Button Look, before you say anything, I know what you're thinking: "What kind of moron has sex on top of the button, instead of under it?" Well, the answer is the kind of moron who is free of your cliched conventions and your planned unspontaneity, and who has the courage to free his mind, videotape himself having sex on top of the button with a hooker, get caught videotaping himself having sex on top of the button with a hooker, be handcuffed naked and thrown into a squad car, have to pay a large fine, do community service, attend sexual aggression classes, explain the whole thing to his parents and then have to speak at his old middle school about "D.A.R.E.-ing to be sexually safe." worst place to Be a piece of toast Franklin Field You wouldn't believe this, but people have a habit of throwing toast at the track of Franklin Field.
April 7, 2005 at 12:00 am

John Carroll Edz Picks Gillette went to three razors. Schick went to four razors. They won't stop until someone is nuking the stubble off of your face.
March 31, 2005 at 12:00 am