Top 4 Jobs We Wish Existed
Having a bad day? No problem. Apply here to blow up star systems for Alderaan reasons.
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Having a bad day? No problem. Apply here to blow up star systems for Alderaan reasons.
Winter Storm Jonas wasn’t the only thing that did damage this weekend. From your bid party to your snarty (for the uninformed: that’s a snow darty) to your 3 a.m. McFlurry, we caught drift of your snowy escapades. Let’s hope the Round Up didn’t (frost)bite you in the ass.
Because you never realized how weirdly similar pledging and doing OCR were.
According to university officials, Penn is prepared to really “fuck with Wharton students” this year during OCR. “On campus recruiting is difficult every year, but this year we’ve really stepped up our game to make it as soul–sucking as possible, entirely out of spite. This year's cut–throat competition will include flying across the country multiple times in order to have the opportunity to go through six rounds of interviews just for the chance to fuck over poor people for a living. We really want our students to question whether pursuing a career in business is worth going to Hell and back, so we're sending candidates down the river Styx to really get a sense of if they can handle the heat of Wall Street."
Seeking a strategy, operations management, finance, accounting, risk and compliance, governance, taxation or business systems and management consulting internship with opportunity to apply both general and specialized leadership abilities and analytical skills in a learning environment. Desire a role in which an abundance of buzzwords and a lack of experience is valued.
Job Title: Participant in the revival of a new–and–improved society
By far the most important element in getting hired for the job of your dreams is properly stalking your interviewer before the interview takes place.
Interviewer: Hi Cate, how are you this morning?
One professor to another professor: I admire you because you're delicious.
How the heck will they find your attached résumé when they don’t know what that word means, dummy?!
The recession is rough, and your employers need to know.
Fuck up more/ Have more sex/ Nothing because I'm fucking perfect/ Fuck the girl I met on the airplane on my way back to Penn/ Go to every Kweder and every Sink-or-Swim/ Be more decisive about where I should eat dinner/ Call fewer CAS students plebeians/ Not awkwardly avoid eye contact with people I know on Locust Walk/ Stop making out with all of the Zete boys #3togo/ Drop a fire album/ Conquer my fear of pooping in public restrooms because my colon deserves better/ I resolve to make resolutions in 2017/ Hook up with a girl who isn't Jewish and from New York/ Wear less, go out more/ Do coke once a month/ Try anal/ Eat mo pussy/ Say no to Gugli/ Make America great again/ NEVER step foot in Huntsman Hall again/ Fuck a professor for an A/ BYO the English house dining hall/ Lose v card/ Finally finish Gossip Girl/ Do less because Penn is hype/ Take my relationship with Fireball to the next level/ Not have sex with strangers/ Drink nothing but coffee, water, and alcohol. Exceptions can be made for chasers when drinking Tito's/ Wear less black/ Stop fucking Theos boys/ Run/ Study harder/ Only fuck people who respect me/ Fuck my MGMT100 TA now that he's not off limits anymore/ Watch more normal porn/ Travel to two new places/ Delete Tinder/ Stop telling strangers about the yeast infection I got over break/ Gains/ Do away with fuckboys in 2016. Go to bed early. Wake up early. Kick ass. Every damn day/ Stop fucking arsonists/ Out-feminist a girl in Tabard/ Wear condoms/ Find the perfect balance of xannys and alcohol so I won't black out/ Stop crying on Friday nights/ Get (drunk) brunch more often/ Advance my sexual flavor profile beyond vanilla/ Run 1,000 miles in 366 days/ Get smashed at every Feb Club event/ Don't be disgusted by my own body/ Be able to smile to everyone on Locust/ Swerve on these hoes/ See more earth/ Finally fuck that girl from OAX/ Remember at least three Fridays this year/ Stop being one of those people who seize every opportunity to mention that they're vegan/ Have a biweekly orgasm/ Leave my pledge class GroupMe. No, I will not like your Insta/ To stop dfrunk texting!!'bbb/ Grow boobs goddamnit/ Act my age (except in line at Smokes').
Welcome back to campus, Quakers. While your tan lines may fade, your drunk escapades remain the same. Remember: the only thing worse than being cut during rush is winding up in the Round Up.
SDT hopeful during rush: Okay, but like, Chicago japs don’t compare to New York japs.
How good was your break, really? This flow chart provides the non–bullshit answer to that question.
Source: Reddit user 1
1.The preteen boy who refuses to play his Nintendo DS on anything but full volume, but you’re afraid to say anything because he’ll badmouth you on Twitter, and he has more followers than you.
(Photo Source: Sophia Lee)
(Image Source: Maurizio Pesce)
Around this time of year, it can seem like joining a frat is almost mandatory, so we understand if you’re feeling nervous. Succeeding throughout this week of constant man–flirting will prove to be no easy task, but as survivors of this process, we have some must–read tips for anyone who’s seeking to form the brotherly bond of a lifetime.
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