Humor

This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue. FEMALE Your favorite music is: (a) Switchfoot (b) Britney Spears (c) Marilyn Manson (d) Sly and the Family Stone Which of the following do you find delightfully large? (a) Cucumber (b) Baseball bat (c) Train (d) Tower of Pisa You're home alone, waiting for your order to arrive from Greek Lady.
December 9, 2004 at 12:00 am

Viagra Fails, NY Impotency is hard on me. Well, kinda soft, actually. Nickel Haiku Nickels are worthless. Let me count all of the ways. One, two, three, four, five. Hire a Celebrity to Do Your Laundry I hired Tom Hanks to do my laundry. He did a good job and didn't ruin my clothes. He even cleaned the lint filter. But I don't think that I'll hire him again because he stole my gerbil Mr. Zeek. I asked him why he didn't just buy his own gerbil and he spit on me. After he rode my lawnmower for a while we played dominoes. He had fun, but I didn't. He invited himself to dinner. During dinner he said that he'd never won anything before. I asked him "Didn't you win two Oscars?" and he said "No." I said "Yes you did," and he said "I sold them." I said "You sold them?" and he said "Ebay." My mom really liked Forrest Gump. He didn't want to do the dishes so we thumb-wrestled for it. He drank YooHoo while I scrubbed. To the victor go the spoils. Later he told me that my Christmas lights were stolen. But I told him that it was June. He said "So it is." I gave him a dollar to shut him up. We agreed to disagree on the merits of Tae-Bo. It was an entertaining argument. Finally I said "You should go home," and he said "No." I said "What?" and he said "Make me." I got my mom. On the way out he took some fruit. I bought an Oscar for $9.95
December 2, 2004 at 12:00 am

The DP has spoiled you. Everyday you get quality, in-depth reporting on relevant campus issues such as Frisbee golf and fire alarms.
December 2, 2004 at 12:00 am

In my three and a half years at Street, I have succeeded in making a jackass out of myself in front of my friends, professors and relatives.
December 2, 2004 at 12:00 am

Sex deprived (SD) freshmen in Kings Court/English College House have chartered a new club they plan to call "Tuesday Night Orgy." According to club founder Clita Banerman, SD affects hundreds of dozens of freshmen, particularly those who live in Kings Court/English College House, which sees few visitors and therefore allows for less possible sexual encounters.
December 2, 2004 at 12:00 am

Tuesday was my 22nd birthday. It was also November 16th -- exactly six months until graduation. I didn't know whether to celebrate in the usual way -- get blackout drunk and make out with everyone I know -- or to finally trade in the Bacardi for the Botox.
November 18, 2004 at 12:00 am

I guess we all knew it was coming. Sure, none of us ever wanted to believe it actually would happen, but we all knew. Even after a new start -- new record label, new name, comeback special on VH1, I guess we all knew that O.D.B.
November 18, 2004 at 12:00 am

To the girl with the uneven boobs in my physics class: from the right side you look hot, but from the left you look like my grandma. To the guy who fell off his bike on Spruce St.: even though I asked if you were OK, I was laughing my ass off on the inside. To Gary Lundy in ARTH001, what I would do to you in a room without windows and a world without consequences?
November 18, 2004 at 12:00 am

I am quite possibly the most innocent person you will ever meet. This is reinforced for me on a daily basis here at Penn, but never have I been so acutely aware of my innocence as I was the first day of my Criminology class.
November 11, 2004 at 12:00 am

I signed up for classes recently. Normally, advance registration is a happy time for me. It's a time when I realize that the one or two terrible classes I inevitably have each semester are drawing to a close, a time to have a few beers and drunkenly plan my future.
November 11, 2004 at 12:00 am

My life as I know it started with My Girl. That movie was a wake-up call. When I saw Macaulay Culkin get stung by those bees and die, I realized that I, too, might have a fatal allergy to bee stings, and might not even know it until I got stung by a bee and died.
November 4, 2004 at 12:00 am

1) Yikes, you're ugly! Let's just pretend it's a costume. 2) Are you tired? Because I've been running through your nightmares all week. 3) All my roommates are out, so we can have the haunted house to ourselves. 4) Do you want to do the monster mash? 5) Is that broomstick built for two? 6) If you show me your Mounds, I'll show you my Almond Joy. 7) So what are you going to be for Halloween -- my date? 8) Nice pumpkins -- mind if I give them a carving? 9) If you'd like to be a part of my ghost costume, I would definitely let you come under my sheets. 10) You know, I don't think you look slutty at all...
November 4, 2004 at 12:00 am

"I was in the middle of taking a shit in my bathroom when I realized there wasn't any toilet paper. Knowing there were extra rolls in the kitchen, I decided to take desperate measures.
November 4, 2004 at 12:00 am

A lot of people view the beginning of college as a social clean slate. But it's not true. If I have to hear one more person say "college is great because people just accept you for who you are," I'm going to flip a shit.
October 28, 2004 at 12:00 am

I tried to write a funny column this week; I tried for a couple days, actually. I failed, but, hey, it's not like I'm ever that funny anyway. I failed because I was writing about things that might normally interest me -- gambling, for instance, and my housemates' obsession with it, or pardoning Ashlee Simpson for her lip-synching.
October 28, 2004 at 12:00 am

23 years ago, my mother and father got married. Then they had my brother and me. However, my father's fast-paced life as a racecar driver and my mom's conservative life as a bank teller didn't mesh well, so they got divorced when I was five.
October 14, 2004 at 12:00 am

Not many people -- especially my friends -- believe this, but I used to be a sweet kid. No, seriously.
October 14, 2004 at 12:00 am

Just when saying "I'm 21" stopped sounding weird, only a few days stand between me and 22. Secretly, it pains me to admit that I am turning 22, since getting older stopped being fun at 18.
October 7, 2004 at 12:00 am

Scenario 1: In an obvious yet profitable move, J. Ro planned to capitalize on the similarities between her and J.
October 7, 2004 at 12:00 am

I have finally done it. I started to doubt myself. I started to wonder if it could be done. But I've finally done it.
October 7, 2004 at 12:00 am