Lowbrow

There's something about that first warm day of spring at Penn. I don't know if it's because, as my friend Jessy claims, Philadelphia's spring is a weird, humid warmth that's unlike the Manhattan spring I'm used to, or if it's just because even the short winter at school feels oppressive.
February 10, 2005 at 12:00 am

For a long time, I was That Girl. You know her; at Penn, you know her all too well. I kept my cell phone on all the time.
February 3, 2005 at 12:00 am

Your Scrabble opponent won't see this coming Chrhpgh n:shadow Chrhpghs n:shadows Chrhpghing n:shadowing Chrhprrgh v: to shadow Chrhprcc adj: shadowy Chirp n: chirp Chrharaggh v: to cast one's shadow Chrhptochs n: the act of looking for one's shadow Chrhprichtst v: to see one's shadow and divine that there will be six more weeks of winter Chrhprichtzt v: to not see one's shadow and divine that there will not be six more weeks of winter Chrhpptss n: the belief that shadows control the weather Chrhpts n: the irrational relationship between shadows and winter Chrhpghaphobia n: the fear of shadows
February 3, 2005 at 12:00 am

Sometimes late at night -- even when I'm exhausted -- I get caught up watching a repeat of Oprah. The worst part of this is not that I watch Oprah, or that TV can keep me up even though I know I will want to die in the morning.
February 3, 2005 at 12:00 am

Street writes to Bill Cooper, President of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club Dear Mr. Cooper: Let's be frank.
February 3, 2005 at 12:00 am

Snow days are a lost cause -- the stuff of legend and the Simpsons. We at Street have resigned ourselves to getting out of bed in the morning, even when Weatherbug posts a picture of an igloo on the day's forecast, and there's frost on the inside of our windows.
January 27, 2005 at 12:00 am

I spent the summer when I was 17 building houses for impoverished families in Wyoming, and I fell in love with Ben, a 23-year-old from Georgia who had just graduated from SUNY Binghamton and was about to start an M.F.A.
January 27, 2005 at 12:00 am

Dear Readers, The editors of 34th Street would like to apologize for the grossly distasteful finger hula skirt cut-out that appeared in this space last week.
January 27, 2005 at 12:00 am

Has there ever been a time when you just had to laugh at how unbelievably elitist Penn is? You know, a time when you said to yourself, "This could only happen in the Ivy League"? My favorite example is the catered New Student Orientation party at the Philadelphia Museum of Art.
January 27, 2005 at 12:00 am

During the spring semester of my freshman year at Penn I got bored. I spent my time smoking cigarettes or pot on a ledge outside my room.
January 20, 2005 at 12:00 am

Name: Billy Joe Collins, Jr. Where did you go: Topeka, KS Why did you go: I had to fill in at the church nativity scene after one of the wise men had a motocross mishap. Weather: Good for the crops. Most exciting thing you did: Put Paris and Nicole to work on my farm. Least exciting thing you did: I had to leave when Wal-Mart closed for the night on Christmas. Favorite food eaten there: Sausage wrapped in bacon with a side of pork rinds.
January 20, 2005 at 12:00 am

The thing about smoking bans, like the one Mayor John Street will push in this coming legislative session, is that they go over so well with the masses because it's hard for opponents to define their opposing principles without it being all about me. I smoke because it looks cool.
January 20, 2005 at 12:00 am

This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue. John Carroll I get it already, I'm nice.
December 9, 2004 at 12:00 am

This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue. MALE Which of the following names do you most like to be called? (a) Your first name (b) Sir (c) Daddy (d) Sultan of Twat Growing up, what was your dream job? (a) Rabbi (b) Professor (c) Doctor (d) Fireman Your mother catches you, looking at naughty pictures on the internet.
December 9, 2004 at 12:00 am

This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue. FEMALE Your favorite music is: (a) Switchfoot (b) Britney Spears (c) Marilyn Manson (d) Sly and the Family Stone Which of the following do you find delightfully large? (a) Cucumber (b) Baseball bat (c) Train (d) Tower of Pisa You're home alone, waiting for your order to arrive from Greek Lady.
December 9, 2004 at 12:00 am

Viagra Fails, NY Impotency is hard on me. Well, kinda soft, actually. Nickel Haiku Nickels are worthless. Let me count all of the ways. One, two, three, four, five. Hire a Celebrity to Do Your Laundry I hired Tom Hanks to do my laundry. He did a good job and didn't ruin my clothes. He even cleaned the lint filter. But I don't think that I'll hire him again because he stole my gerbil Mr. Zeek. I asked him why he didn't just buy his own gerbil and he spit on me. After he rode my lawnmower for a while we played dominoes. He had fun, but I didn't. He invited himself to dinner. During dinner he said that he'd never won anything before. I asked him "Didn't you win two Oscars?" and he said "No." I said "Yes you did," and he said "I sold them." I said "You sold them?" and he said "Ebay." My mom really liked Forrest Gump. He didn't want to do the dishes so we thumb-wrestled for it. He drank YooHoo while I scrubbed. To the victor go the spoils. Later he told me that my Christmas lights were stolen. But I told him that it was June. He said "So it is." I gave him a dollar to shut him up. We agreed to disagree on the merits of Tae-Bo. It was an entertaining argument. Finally I said "You should go home," and he said "No." I said "What?" and he said "Make me." I got my mom. On the way out he took some fruit. I bought an Oscar for $9.95
December 2, 2004 at 12:00 am

The DP has spoiled you. Everyday you get quality, in-depth reporting on relevant campus issues such as Frisbee golf and fire alarms.
December 2, 2004 at 12:00 am

In my three and a half years at Street, I have succeeded in making a jackass out of myself in front of my friends, professors and relatives.
December 2, 2004 at 12:00 am

Sex deprived (SD) freshmen in Kings Court/English College House have chartered a new club they plan to call "Tuesday Night Orgy." According to club founder Clita Banerman, SD affects hundreds of dozens of freshmen, particularly those who live in Kings Court/English College House, which sees few visitors and therefore allows for less possible sexual encounters.
December 2, 2004 at 12:00 am

Tuesday was my 22nd birthday. It was also November 16th -- exactly six months until graduation. I didn't know whether to celebrate in the usual way -- get blackout drunk and make out with everyone I know -- or to finally trade in the Bacardi for the Botox.
November 18, 2004 at 12:00 am