When you miss a 34th Street editor's meeting, one of your co-editors will think it's funny to tell everyone you're writing a column about life, so then you have to write a column about life.
This column, everyone, is about life.
I've only attempted something so ambitious once before.
Here's the thing with Fling: It scares me.
Oh, maybe "scares" is the wrong word. But the thought of Fling really does does make me all anxious and itchy.
The thing about college is that you never really get a break. You wake up on Tuesday morning, and bump into an acquaintance, and the first thing they ask you is "What are you doing tonight?" This is annoying.
Worst place to have sex
On top of the Button
Look, before you say anything, I know what you're thinking: "What kind of moron has sex on top of the button, instead of under it?" Well, the answer is the kind of moron who is free of your cliched conventions and your planned unspontaneity, and who has the courage to free his mind, videotape himself having sex on top of the button with a hooker, get caught videotaping himself having sex on top of the button with a hooker, be handcuffed naked and thrown into a squad car, have to pay a large fine, do community service, attend sexual aggression classes, explain the whole thing to his parents and then have to speak at his old middle school about "D.A.R.E.-ing to be sexually safe."
worst place to Be a piece of toast
Franklin Field
You wouldn't believe this, but people have a habit of throwing toast at the track of Franklin Field.
John Carroll
Edz Picks
Gillette went to three razors. Schick went to four razors. They won't stop until someone is nuking the stubble off of your face.
I sometimes wonder, "If Jude Law is really good at playing jackasses, is he really good at being a jackass?" I also sometimes wonder if he secretly wants to be a lawyer.
After college, age matters in a different way than it does while one is an undergraduate. Some people have their first kid at 23; some at 41; some never.
Even among the slew of second hand shops lining South Street, being thrifty is difficult. To cheaply satisfy any and all of your purchasing needs, save on cab fare and look no further than S.
Easter Bunny
Occupation: Laying eggs
Hobbies: Rapid reproduction, stealing Jesus' thunder
Mortal enemy: Israel
Sexual position: Doo-Doo Rocket
Celebrity look-alike: Vince Vaughn
Favorite movie: Chocolat
Can't live without: March Madness
Place of birth: Beaches of Normandy
Analysis: C'mon, everyone knows bunnies lay golden eggs.
Santa Claus
Occupation: Breaking and entering
Hobbies: Checking things twice, judging children, enslaving Will Ferrell, Twinkies
Mortal enemy: Hanukkah Harry
Sexual position: G-Spot Jiggy
Celebrity look-alike: Burt Bacharach
Favorite movie: Amores Perros
Can't live without: Carbs
Place of birth: The Nile
Analysis: I killed a man and still got presents.
Tooth Fairy
Occupation: Disgruntled dental student
Hobbies: Collecting shark teeth and stamps
Mortal enemy: The Floss Fairy
Sexual position: The Soft Rock
Celebrity look-alike: Jude Law
Favorite movie: The Birdcage
Can't live without: Oral fixation
Place of birth: Mount Sinai Hospital
Analysis: All little kids are deep sleepers.
Leprechaun
Occupation: Perpetuating Irish stereotypes
Hobbies: Amateur meteorologist, corporate sell-out, bartending at O'Malley's
Mortal enemy: Protestants
Sexual position: Chicken Soup of the Sack
Celebrity look-alike: Colin Farrel
Favorite movie: Boondock Saints
Can't live without: Skittles
Place of birth: Ireland
Analysis: The so-called luck of the Irish: potato famines, cirrhosis of the liver, the IRA, Bono.
Bigfoot
Occupation: Debunking Yeti myths
Hobbies: Stomping around, solitaire
Mortal enemy: Kodak
Sexual position: The Amazing Butterfly
Celebrity look-alike: Charlize Theron
Favorite movie: The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon
Can't live without: Leaves of Grass
Place of birth: Millenium Falcon
Analysis: It's not safe to not wear shoes anymore, with like used hypos all over the ground and stuff.
Woof. Chirp. Meow. These are common sounds house pets make. Or maybe we should ask the real experts: college kid know-it-all's who actually have pets at school.
There is a battle going on right now at Penn, and I am losing. Still, I haven't given up the fight. In fact, I think that once we soldiers return from the Diaspora, we may be able to live in symbiosis again.
Yeah, so I don't really like to talk about it because it's not that big of a deal to me or anything, but, yes, it's true: I won the Geography Bee in fifth grade.
Sometimes you get so out of shape that you forget you're out of shape. Initially, you don't exercise for a couple weeks and think, "I'm getting really fat, perhaps I should go to the gym." If it goes on for a month or two, though, the lack of exercise institutionalizes itself.