Humor

I don't blame us. We're products of an MTV phenomenon; a generation enthralled by glossy magazine covers and the cheapest road to fame.
February 17, 2005 at 12:00 am

President George W. Bush spent most of the '80s watching Alf, Who eats cats like MC Hammer, Who is (morally) bankrupt like America, Who is one nation, under God, Who is the creator of all things (including parachute pants, puppies, paganism, alliteration and George Washington). Yona's favorite song is "Mambo #5" by Lou Bega, Who has never met Derek Jeter, Who has the same first name as Derek Zoolander, Who is a assassin/male model like John Wilkes Boothe, Who (apparently) was roommates with Abraham Lincoln in college.
February 17, 2005 at 12:00 am

Editor's Note: Because of sheer volume, Street could not publish every shoutout received. However, let it be known that by popular demand, Wharton douchebags, blonde nursing students and people with abrasive voices should stop talking in classes.
February 17, 2005 at 12:00 am

Dear First Love: I met you at a LAN war in the University's student union building. I was 17. You were 18. I didn't even know what a LAN war was, but I saw men in trench coats loading computers and AV equipment into a room, and thought, "Wow!
February 10, 2005 at 12:00 am

Valentine's Day is a lot like New Year's, only New Year's allows enough leeway for you to convince yourself you made some progress.
February 10, 2005 at 12:00 am

I am a product of several formative TV sitcoms and am subsequently a victim of low self-esteem. I'm not alone in hoping my grown-up life would be a hybrid of witticisms, caustic detachment and the kind of eloquent self-introspection that not only generates successful romances, but also elicits hero-worship from my girl friends.
February 10, 2005 at 12:00 am

There's something about that first warm day of spring at Penn. I don't know if it's because, as my friend Jessy claims, Philadelphia's spring is a weird, humid warmth that's unlike the Manhattan spring I'm used to, or if it's just because even the short winter at school feels oppressive.
February 10, 2005 at 12:00 am

For a long time, I was That Girl. You know her; at Penn, you know her all too well. I kept my cell phone on all the time.
February 3, 2005 at 12:00 am

Your Scrabble opponent won't see this coming Chrhpgh n:shadow Chrhpghs n:shadows Chrhpghing n:shadowing Chrhprrgh v: to shadow Chrhprcc adj: shadowy Chirp n: chirp Chrharaggh v: to cast one's shadow Chrhptochs n: the act of looking for one's shadow Chrhprichtst v: to see one's shadow and divine that there will be six more weeks of winter Chrhprichtzt v: to not see one's shadow and divine that there will not be six more weeks of winter Chrhpptss n: the belief that shadows control the weather Chrhpts n: the irrational relationship between shadows and winter Chrhpghaphobia n: the fear of shadows
February 3, 2005 at 12:00 am

Sometimes late at night -- even when I'm exhausted -- I get caught up watching a repeat of Oprah. The worst part of this is not that I watch Oprah, or that TV can keep me up even though I know I will want to die in the morning.
February 3, 2005 at 12:00 am

Street writes to Bill Cooper, President of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club Dear Mr. Cooper: Let's be frank.
February 3, 2005 at 12:00 am

Snow days are a lost cause -- the stuff of legend and the Simpsons. We at Street have resigned ourselves to getting out of bed in the morning, even when Weatherbug posts a picture of an igloo on the day's forecast, and there's frost on the inside of our windows.
January 27, 2005 at 12:00 am

I spent the summer when I was 17 building houses for impoverished families in Wyoming, and I fell in love with Ben, a 23-year-old from Georgia who had just graduated from SUNY Binghamton and was about to start an M.F.A.
January 27, 2005 at 12:00 am

Dear Readers, The editors of 34th Street would like to apologize for the grossly distasteful finger hula skirt cut-out that appeared in this space last week.
January 27, 2005 at 12:00 am

Has there ever been a time when you just had to laugh at how unbelievably elitist Penn is? You know, a time when you said to yourself, "This could only happen in the Ivy League"? My favorite example is the catered New Student Orientation party at the Philadelphia Museum of Art.
January 27, 2005 at 12:00 am

During the spring semester of my freshman year at Penn I got bored. I spent my time smoking cigarettes or pot on a ledge outside my room.
January 20, 2005 at 12:00 am

Name: Billy Joe Collins, Jr. Where did you go: Topeka, KS Why did you go: I had to fill in at the church nativity scene after one of the wise men had a motocross mishap. Weather: Good for the crops. Most exciting thing you did: Put Paris and Nicole to work on my farm. Least exciting thing you did: I had to leave when Wal-Mart closed for the night on Christmas. Favorite food eaten there: Sausage wrapped in bacon with a side of pork rinds.
January 20, 2005 at 12:00 am

The thing about smoking bans, like the one Mayor John Street will push in this coming legislative session, is that they go over so well with the masses because it's hard for opponents to define their opposing principles without it being all about me. I smoke because it looks cool.
January 20, 2005 at 12:00 am

This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue. John Carroll I get it already, I'm nice.
December 9, 2004 at 12:00 am

This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue. MALE Which of the following names do you most like to be called? (a) Your first name (b) Sir (c) Daddy (d) Sultan of Twat Growing up, what was your dream job? (a) Rabbi (b) Professor (c) Doctor (d) Fireman Your mother catches you, looking at naughty pictures on the internet.
December 9, 2004 at 12:00 am