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Every Kind of Freshman in the Club You Just Joined

Do less.

by MOHAMMAD SAMROZ

That's Such a Fucking Lie

We're here to catch you in all your hyperbolic glory

by NICK CASTORIA

Overheards: 10.4.17

True patriot: "I gave my first handjob on the Washington Monument." 

by 34TH STREET MAGAZINE

Highbrow Throwback: Hoodie Allen

There ain't nothing like a (U)Penn girl. 

by ANNABELLE WILLIAMS

Deconstructing the Pregame

This isn't healthy. 

by DANIEL BULPITT

Fall Break Offers Freshman First Big Chance to Assert Privilege Over Everyone

"I’ve been slowly building on my superiority for a while now."

by CLAIRE SCHMIDT

Unclear if Undergrads Speaking in Code or Just Overusing Penn-centric Abbreviations

He def SABS enough to be PPE.

by SHOSHANA STERNSTEIN

Students Vote to Replace Harvest with SoulCycle; Life-Saving Urgent Care Center Second

I'm not trying to walk back from my work out—I literally JUST worked out 

by CAMI POTTER

Overheards 09.27.17

30 year–old–woman: "A little molly never hurt anybody."

by 34TH STREET MAGAZINE

Senior with Goldman Sachs Offer and "Problem Solving Skills" Gets Really, Really Lost in the Quad

"Which one is Fitler?" said the fully grown adult

by DANO MAJOR

Overheards 9.20.17

Archetypal Penn dude: "We're dating. With an asterisk." 

by 34TH STREET MAGAZINE

How to Hide the Fact that You're a Freshman

By freshmen, for freshmen. 

by ANGELA LIN

My Strange Addiction: Constantly Applying To Jobs On Handshake

You can't beat the rush.

by SHOSHANA STERNSTEIN

Green Day Woken Up, Goes Back to Sleep Until 2020

Green Day band members face a confusing past when they are woken up at the end of September.

by CAMI POTTER

The Streets of Penn: Personified

Ugh, why won't Locust just shut up?

by LILY ZIRLIN

Totally Impossible Penn Riddles

Is it social climbing if you step on an elevated surface?

by ,

Trump Supporters Confused to Find that Made In America Not a Trump Rally

According to many confused festival-goers, Benjamin Franklin was a heathen and who even is Migos anyway? 

by CAMI POTTER

Overheards 9.13.17

Kylie Penn–er: "He kisses so aggressively that I think he's going to pop my lip injections."

by ,

Highbrow's Guide to Alternative Dirty Rushing

Like regular rushing, just dirtier. 

by ANNABELLE WILLIAMS

Highbrow's Early Fall Style Guide

Let the pumpkin spice begin.

by DANIEL BULPITT

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